Do you ever wish that you could be different?
- Feel better?
- Look like you are awake on a morning you want to stay in bed?
- Be able to instantly organize all those piles that seem to get bigger?
- Avoid sounding irritated when really you are just trying to get something done?
- Be successful at the job you're supposed to be doing?
Well...this is one of those honest to the core posts...one of the ones that isn't really especially cheery or peppy or the THING to read to encourage you in a better day. This is that down to earth, here I am, it really stinks, and I'd like to get over it please sort of posts. Just warning ya'.
I am 22 weeks pregnant (not a bad thing) with a little baby girl inside of me that I am very much looking forward to meeting sometime near the end of May. I also am having another bout of kidney stone issues these past couple of weeks and it has left me feeling helpless, like a failure, questioning what I'm doing that's wrong, crying out to God to make it better, crying to God that he's putting too much on my husband to handle, wishing that I were the one taking casseroles to someone else for a change, or maybe cleaning their gross toilet, and desperately wishing that I felt good enough to get out of bed and do half a million things around the house so I can be that better, more organized, more effective, happier, collected, fun mom and wife that I envision is the perfect me. Somewhere in there I'll throw in frugal, in shape, healthy eating, and regularly remembering birthdays and thank you notes. I'll get my husband's mending done, keep up with the chores, train and discipline the children correctly, patiently, and with a smile. I'll never hear the phone and groan that I might not make it in time. I'll never roll over in bed and think, how can I be on bed rest and still be supermom. I'll never have to worry about getting it all done because I'll feel great and thus be able to accomplish everything I set out to do. I'll be running on all 8 cylinders (as my family says) and perhaps every once in a while I'll find a 9th one to kick in and spring for an extra "wow" blessing for someone else.
I suppose I'm no different from thousands of other mothers who want the best for their family and want to be able to have it all and do it all, and never loose their temper. Yet it seems like every time I get close to feeling like I'm on top of it all something happens to make me utterly dependant on everyone else for even some of my most basic needs.
"Will you please put my shoes on my feet because I can't reach down there without it being extremely painful?"
"Can you bring me some more water?"
"I'm not sure I can walk that far by myself."
"Um, I don't know where the kid's church clothes are...you'll just have to look...I'm sorry."
"I'm so glad you came to visit me, but actually could you spend your entire vacation waiting on me hand and foot, because I actually can't even change my own child's diaper much less play hostess to you- even though you just spent a pile of money on plane tickets?"
"I'm sorry.....(a thousand times)."
It's a tough spot to be in really. In some ways the kidney stones seem minor compared to how I feel on the inside, struggling with how to just accept that everyone else has to fend for themselves and do for me when some of them (Brandon, especially) have been doing this for a very long time it seems. It feels wrong. It feels glutinously lazy. And if feels depressing.
My family has taught me that I'm supposed to look for what God might be teaching me in each and every situation that I go through- looking for what I can get out of it, you know. Finding the positive- the silver lining, the great truth and testimony for later of how God met me. While I can do a great job of finding all sorts of positive things that can come out of this experience, nothing really changes the fact that it's just plain hard, humbling, discouraging, and a whole lot of suffering.
You don't think I can come up with positives?? You're that optimistic creature that thinks I'm just saying that and that really I could look at the bright side a little more? OK, well- here's you're positives:
-My children are taking on more responsibility as a result of mom being decommisioned.
-My husband can do every chore in the house as good as I can and makes for great tag team efforts during other crisis.
- I have gotten more sleep than I ever imagined possible for a mom of 5.
- I'm getting some really bad physical problems taken care of and hopefully will be able to prevent them in the future.
- I'm allowing others to be blessed by God in ministering to our family (not that I go looking for ways for others to help me regularly)
- I can better relate to others who are suffering with similar difficulties.
- I have plenty of time to research various topics that I want to improve on.
- This increases my opportunities to have one on one time with my children- when I can use it.
So...the list could go on. Now all of those positives are out there on the table and it sounds like a grand learning experience that I can benefit from. I can be joyful and encouraged. Anyone want to sign up for this duty now? Didn't think so.
See, no matter how much I think of to be encouraged, it's still unpleasant, hurts, and I want out.
I'm not really sure where I'm going with this. It's just a place of communicating that I don't think it's wrong to want out sometimes. I don't want to stay in a place where I'm going to go down in a downward spiral that ends in self absorption, depression, and suicide, but to stay on that level of "oh, I'm glad God is doing a great work in my life" seems really fake to me right now.
So right now, I feel icky. There isn't a button to push and fix it and I'm not even sure what is the most helpful for people to say when they call or come to encourage me. Sometimes, just staying completely off the subject seems best, and yet sometimes it's nice to hear someone say they care and are praying. I don't know what I want, how to get it, or when it will all be over.
I do know this: I'm ready to be done. I want out. Show me the exit from this particular "learning experience" and I'll take it!