On to Bigger and Better

Well...things are better than they were in January. I am no longer under siege with kidney stones. The large giant thing was blasted, removed, and then the stint was removed a week later and I have recovered mostly from that. My energy level is better and I am thankful to be off of bed rest. Of course about 2 days after the stint came out I had a day that I really felt great. Then I came down with a nasty flu virus. That lasted for about a week- feeling miserable and blowing my nose and such. It's always extra hard when pregnant or nursing to deal with sinus stuff because there is really nothing much that I can take for it that is safe for the baby. Just good ole steam and plenty of warm drinks. After a couple of weeks, I was back to normal and the rest of the family was recovering as well. Everyone but Rachel and Brandon got that one and had fevers, sniffles, good solid snot, and other gross stuff that goes along with the flu. We got over that and I had a week where in we caught up on school and then on Friday I cleaned like mad trying to get the house in order after such a long episode of sickness. We scrubbed and mopped, and laundered and everything we could possibly do in one day. The kids helped and we actually got most of the house cleaned up. The Sabbath was great- so relaxing.
Then Monday came. And Brandon woke up and threw up. He had managed to catch a stomach virus and thus the rounds began again. Tuesday night, Joseph threw up. And again on Wednesday. Thursday night Rachel threw up. I think God gave us a respite Friday night. Then Joseph threw up again Saturday morning. Jonathon covered Saturday night for us. Now it's Sunday night and every time I hear someone cough I have a hard time resisting the urge to sprint to their room with a bowl or a bucket. In fact several times I have not resisted and found myself holding a plastic container of some sort, hovering over a child that wishes they could just go back to sleep since all they did was sneeze or something. We've managed to stay away from most other people so far and I don't think we've shared it...yet. In the meanwhile, I didn't really figure on spending all of January and February dealing with sickness.

Interestingly enough I've had another bout of belief struggle with this. I wrote about how it was hard to trust God and be postive when such discouragement was my life in January and lately I've been hit from a different angle. You see, everynight I pray over the children before bed. We'll either Brandon or I do. Anyway, Tuesday night for some reason I prayed over them, but Joseph was the only one that I specifically said, "Keep him healthy God." and he was the one that got sick hours later. Thursday night, the same thing happened. I prayed with the children, but without thinking about it until later, Rachel was the only one that I specifically prayed for good health for...and she was the one who threw up 2 hours later. So then I found myself struggling against the idea that if I prayed for my children's health it would, in fact, make them sick.

I know it sounds silly, but when you are sleep deprived, changing bedding 2-3 times in the night, desperately tired of sickness in general, and wondering occasionally "what am I doing wrong?" or "did I cause this?" it makes you wonder. I found myself starting to really question other prayers. For instance, if I prayed for protection on the road, would that ensure and accident? Or if I prayed for a good day in school would that guarantee a miserable day? I've really fought this quite a bit. Not only that, but in my general prayer life, I've lately found myself praying for things, over and over, that seem pretty important to me and yet feel like God isn't answering or perhaps (the scary part) he's saying "NO".

Don't worry, I'm convinced that I am not powerful enough to cause my children to get sick just by praying for their healing. I don't really believe it, but it has made me stop and think. It has also make me realize that I'm not dependant on how I pray or even that I pray. I depend on a God powerful enough to stop a thing if He chooses. No matter what I pray, I can believe that he will take care of the problem. I think I just get worried that he might choose to take care of the problem in a way that I don't really feel comfortable with. I think to some extent that's where I am right now. God's taking care of the problem, meeting the needs, and answering my prayers, but it isn't happening the way I would want it to, or on my time table, or in the "amazing way" I can imagine. Sometimes He answers in miraculous immediate interventions. Those are cool and I tend to want those everytime. This time he's choosing a slow, patient, grueling, learning path to answer and I'm not sure how long it's going to take, but I just know that it's not pleasant and I sqirm at every turn. I will continue to trust him, but ugh........

It reminds me of a kid's song that said, "I can't wait to have patience." I want God's best- even if it's the slow painful answer, but can't it come right now and get this over with???

So, we're doing ok. School is caught up- right this second, the baby is doing well- 14 weeks to go, I'm caught up on laundry- thanks to all the require washing the stomach flu has caused, and while I keep feeling like I'm going to throw up right along with the kids, so far I'm ok. Hmm...maybe now I will really be sick since I said I wasn't....

Ahhh...it's thinking like that that can kill a person or just drive them insane! God help me to believe you and not the lies in my head!

And on to the battle of tomorrow- come what may. I hope it will be a good morning of school, no vomit, a healthy dinner, and plenty of cheerfulness both on the part of my kids and myself!