Wednesday, July 12, 2006

The Story of the Mouse

Some of you have heard this story already. I’m only documenting it here for those of you who have not and because it was a great story- even if it did happen about 3 weeks ago. I will warn you, this is not for the weak stomach among us, so if you think you might need to hug a toilet- either have one nearby, or don’t read anymore. This is YOUR responsibility, so don’t say I didn’t warn you! This is a true story.

Ahem….once upon a time there was a nice lady who lived in the upstairs rooms of a large house. Some kids say she lives in the attic, but she doesn’t really- only next to the attic in a little apartment complete with a bedroom, bathroom, and great room. She’s a really nice lady and she frequently has visitors over for snacks, movies, games, and many other exciting things. She even keeps a box of little toys under a table for little children who come to visit, though she has none of her own.

Well, one day the mouse population got wind of the generosity and hospitality of this woman and decided to impose their great force upon her. When she noticed that they were coming continually without being invited, she declared them rude and sentenced them to death by the trap. Many of the relatives went the way of the trap over the course of the year and by and by the mice stopped coming around and the trap went away. But recently, the mice decided to test the waters again and once more, without proper consent, they began barging in and taking what wasn’t theirs and what hadn’t been offered to them. Out came the trap and things started going snap! Three little thieves were caught one by one and disposed of properly, but one little mouse didn’t use the proper procedure for death by trap and here is where the story takes a turn for the worse.

This mouse was like any other ordinary little field mouse- small, brown, smooth and furry, large brown eyes and a little squeaker that said “squeak” when it was frightened. When he approached the trap- ladened with peanut butter he decided to get at the goodies with a paw instead of his head. Now you may say, “Smart mouse! He was sacrificing a hand in hopes of getting away altogether.” But, my friends, you will see that in the end that poor mouse I’m sure was wishing he had just stuck his whole head in there and had it cracked right away!

You see, the nice lady came into the great room that Friday morning and discovered that the trap was missing. Wondering what could have become of it she glanced around and after a time heard some shuffling under her blue swivel chair. Upon looking under the chair she discovered the mouse stick fast in the trap by the paw. He was frightened, very much alive and surely stuck. Now the lady pondered for a moment what to do. How to kill a mouse that didn’t die by the trap? How to get the trap off the mouse? More importantly, how to get the mouse out of the house? With these and many other questions floating through her mind she walked out of the house and into the fresh air to ponder her dilemma. While she was walking she happened upon two mothers tending their children on the playground and related the story to them.

One suggested a whack on the head with a broom might knock it out enough to dispose of it and the other mother, being more spontaneous in nature and wishing the problem to be solved immediately volunteered to do the whacking. (Ugh! That was me. What a dumb idea.)

Ok, so I formulated a plan- 1) lady tilt back chair so as to expose mouse. 2) I whack it with a mop so hard that it dies. 3) Someone removes the dead mouse from the trap and we all live happily ever after…except the mouse of course.

So up we went, the nice lady and I to tackle the battle of the mouse and the trap. I with my mop- a flat boarded style and she with ummm….I don’t think she was carrying anything. Anyway, she lifted the chair and I immediately realized that I could not smash that creature hard enough to kill it. After all, he was very much alive and wiggling.

I quickly formulated another plan: 1) I trap mouse with mop. 2) I stab said mouse in the head- in the brain with a knife, so as to kill it immediately. 3) Remove dead mouse. Unfortunately, I did not factor in my small amount of knowledge from biology in which most people learn that mice have skulls.

So, on with the plan. I successfully did trap the mouse with the mop. Actually, I trapped the trap and the mouse was completely exposed, but couldn’t get away. (At this point I was shaking from the horror and adrenaline of it all and it only got worse.) I raised my knife and stabbed with full force into the mouse, piercing the neck all the way through. A small “squeak” came from the mouse’s lips and after removing the knife I discovered that even though I hurt the creature I had completely missed ALL vital organs and I was going to have to do it AGAIN!!!! Oh how I groaned!!! The thing wouldn’t be still and by this time I was discovering the whole skull thing and realizing that I was getting nowhere with this tactic.

I took the next step and got a coaster from the end table to hold the mouse still so as to have better aim, but still I could not manage to stab the thing in the head. Finally, I was so horrified that I had tortured the thing so long and I was so anxious to be done with it I hollered to the nice lady (who was bravely holding the mop down on the trap), “Don’t look.” And swiftly I changed the angle of my knife and zip, zip….sawed that poor creature's head off. As I cut he flipped over on his belly and made little gurgling choking sounds as he was dying and I quickly covered the whole thing with the coaster so as not to have to watch the horror that I had just caused. After a few seconds it was all done. The mouse was happily in mouse heaven with its other presumptuous relatives and the deed was over.

Of course this still left step 3 and neither of us wanting to see the thing any more agreed that the mouse, trap and all should return to the garbage. So, I scooped up the remains and the still attached trap with a mound of paper towels and deposited it all in the garbage can. Then I went outside for some fresh air and gradually I stopped vibrating like a tuning fork.

The morals I have gleaned from this story are:

A: Always wear gloves. I had my gloves on from cleaning before I even went up there and I am so glad I didn’t have to touch that thing with my bare hands!

B: Maybe whacking the mouse wouldn’t have been so hard after all.

C: I never want a career in torturing lab rats.

D: The nice lady can take care of her own rodents from now on! Hehe!

E: Always have a shot gun on hand in case you need to shoot a mouse at point blank range!

F: I now have to change my reputation as a creature torturer to a friend of the furry ones lest this carry over and mothers of small children think that I am not safe- or perhaps my own children think I am not safe.

Ok, enough morals. Hope you’ve enjoyed this tale and that you had a real squeal. BWAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!


Mrs. RF said...

Oh, my. You had me laughing in the aisle so to speak. Very good blow by blow account. Thanks for my laugh for today!

CoolBeans said...

I've heard this story told about three-four times before however, this shows it in a whole new light.

Smiles said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Smiles said...

Well this was the first time for me.

The poor little mousey-wousy. :o( I can't imagine doing anything like that. I probably would have just grabbed and let it go outside.

CoolBeans said...

If you think you know the real Mary, go to my blog for the rest of the story.

asaphat said...

Okay, that was really, really, really, REALLY, really, really disgusting!

You two have been watching way too much 24...and this was much grosser than 24, by the way.

A bucket of water! Next time use the mop to hold it down in a bucket of water! Then dump it out in the woods.

I remember a mouse at our house that was only partially trapped and bled all over our kitchen counter and wandered around, very frightened and deranged as we tried to catch it and take it outside. It ain't fun when those traps don't get the job done.

Aaron S. said...

I agree with Craig's suggestion and analysis. Nevertheless, it is a pretty funny story. :)